When was the last time you saw that book at the store and bought it just because it had a great cover? I'm sure many of you can relate to that. Yes, I've been there,done that. And sadly, I've been disappointed more often than not. I do think that the cover, the name of the book , the blurbs and introduction constitute a major part in the process but then that is not what the entire book is about because I've also had instances when I picked up books which did not have good covers or good blurbs and they turned out to be great.
So, judging a book by its cover - bad idea.
People we meet everyday are similar to books. Similar in the sense that we often approach people for the first time based on face value. For instance, I wouldn't go talk to just any person on the road if I need directions at a new place. I would scan around and go ask the most amiable looking person around. That works for most cases. But, that is not the wisest thing to do in relationships and places which matter.
A teacher once taught me at high school that "first impression is the last impression". Believing her was the worst mistake I did in my life. I've judged people on surface value and regretted the same multiple times only to learn one of the most important lessons of life-
.jpg)
Blogger friend Janaki mentioned in her post that people wear masks and do not reveal themselves unless they are comfortable. I believe that every single one of us wears a mask, a pretension of something we are not. This is perhaps an auto response to a fear maybe we all carry - the fear of being judged, of being taken advantage of or of not being accepted by people around us. That fear makes us behave like a generalized stereotype of somebody who will be liked and accepted. The sad part of the story is that by doing that we lose our individual uniqueness.
I've learnt through personal experiences that not everyone is what they appear to be at first glance. It takes time for people to feel comfortable and start revealing their true sides. And since, I don't know the entire background story behind why a person behaved in a certain way or did something, I do not stand in a position to judge them. A little benefit of doubt does help in some cases.
So as Walt Whitman said, "Be Curious, Not Judgmental" J
I agree, Swarnali. Ours would be a much more tolerant society if we adopted the 'benefit of doubt' stance as you mentioned. Unless of course, one's safety is in question, when it's better to be paranoid.
ReplyDeleteThanks :) Yes, even though I do believe in the benefit of doubt idea, being on your guards is always a safe idea.
DeleteJudging others is almost always a bad idea. We need to find out who they are before we know if they are a good fit in our lives. That being said, there are certain things we know immediately about someone. If a person has come to see us and is wearing tattered and dirty clothes, even though they have nicer ones, that shows a lack of respect for us. You dress and present yourself in direct relationship to how much you respect the person you are seeing. I really believe that.
ReplyDeleteYes, the first impressions do count. I do form an impression about a person when I meet them for the first time but then I keep my opinions open to change with time. Thanks a lot for dropping in and leaving your comment :)
DeleteVery insightful post!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit though, I am a rather judgmental person. Not necessarily in a bad or negative way, but (and I say this hoping not to sound pretentious) I usually can decide within about a minute or so if I will like a person or not. Sometimes when I find out that I will indeed not like that person, I feel guilty and try to get to know the person...and I usually end up regretting not listening to my inner self.
But I have been wrong before!
Wonderful post!
Hello Amber!!
DeleteThanks a bunch :)
I do that too!! There is this intuitive feeling that works inside me which tells me if I'm going to like a person in the future. If I have a bad feeling, I am on my guard and drop it only when am entirely convinced.
I agree-- we all wear masks. It boils down to, at least for me, which people I am going to have the time and energy to get to know. If I don't hit it off right away with someone--I feel I need to exert my time and energy elsewhere. It doesn't mean I won't try again--but there are a lot of people I meet and only so much time. I don't think I judge the person's character as much as I judge whether or not we've hit things off well enough to pursue the matter further.
ReplyDeleteJust my take :) Cheers, Jenn.
Hello Jenn!!
DeleteWelcome to Dreams n Drama.
I absolutely agree to what you said. The first impressions do matter in many cases, we do not have either time or energy to spare to know and understand each and every person around us. If I don't feel comfortable with a person when I meet them for the first time, I don't think I'll give much effort to knowing the person more. Thanks for leaving your comment :)
It is impossible to mix with every person and pour equal amount of energy into the relation. There are certain relations which are essential and others that we get into because of our choice. However, being straightforward with people doesn't harm in the longrun.
ReplyDeleteYes I totally agree to your point. Nobody has either the time or energy to spare to get to know every single person. And yes, being straightforward is always the bets thing to do,saves a lot of misunderstanding and trouble. Thanks a lot for dropping in :)
DeleteFilled with lots of truth.
ReplyDeleteKathy
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
Thank you Kathy :)
DeleteI don't believe in first impression being the last one.. you will be surprised how the second or the third meetings turn out to be..
ReplyDeleteI have had a lot of experiences moreover sometimes what you see is not the truth my Job has taught me that..
But yeah I also think people these days do have a mask and keep it on till they are comfortable.. but again I believe in being straight forward.. its best so say things as they are if we try to hide or make excuses it does not work..
Great post ..
Thank you so much Bikram :)
DeleteI do agree that being straightforward is always the best thing to do, to be exactly what you are and not pretending to be somebody we are not. That saves us from a lot of trouble and misunderstanding in the future. :)
it's a very interesting topic, swarnali. and i like the way you've begun the post. the comments here have also made me think about this in a new light.
ReplyDeletei have somehow always taken this 'not judging a book by its cover' thing seriously. i might absolutely adore the cover of a book, but i would rather go back to the store to stare at it than buy it, when i know it's not something i can force myself to read.
when it comes to people, the first impression might not be the last one, but it definitely lasts 'long'.
mental as it probably makes me sound, i take pleasure in it if my first opinion about someone turns out to be right- whether they had a good impression on me or not. funnily enough, it's all the more delightful if i turn out to be wrong- IF the person grows on me, unexpectedly.
it's true that we usually approach those who seem easier to like. the way they look and talk might or might not appeal to us, depending on how we interpret it- someone who comes to meet me for the first time, dressed in casuals, might make me think they are comfortable being themselves around me, which would consequently make me like them better perhaps.
coming to our own 'masks'- that is the most intriguing aspect. everything you mentioned is true. but there's another angle to it. meeting new people gives us a whole new opportunity to shape our personalities. when you meet someone who has no preconceived notions about you, there's the irresistible urge to get them to look at you in a way others might not. and it gives you a chance to groom yourself in a better way, since these people are (unknowingly, maybe) willing to accept you the way you wish they would.
being yourself is not always enough. because there are many shades to who you are, and sometimes it can get frustrating if you have to stick to being the way people think you are- when it's just one side of your personality that they are aware of, they always expect you to be true to it.
some people get to see certain sides of your personality, and they grow so used to it that it's the only side of you they wish to see. so they always expect you to behave in a particular way.
that's when it gets extremely annoying- even though you know you haven't faked this side of yourself, you wish to break from that 'image', which doesn't cover ALL that you are about.
and now this comment is getting incredibly long, so i'll stop right here. :P
i just want you to know that i agree with you when you say first impressions can be misleading, but then again, they can be fascinating when you think about it months later. ;)
OMG!! Arpi, thank you so much for this comment...you get the award for the longest comment on DnD :P :D :D
ReplyDeleteYou just made my day (or lets say my night) with your comment :P And honestly, this could have been one entire post ;)
And I kept on saying ditto to every line you wrote here...do i need say more? :P
We all love the impressions we leave and more the one we make about some one ! But yes , holding on to them and ignore logic or lets say "benefit of doubt" doesnt do good these days. Yet , I have certain template of people I avoid , and be it good or not , I guess your own peace and safety is must.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that one should keep their heads on their shoulders and yeah there are definitely a set that you can sense from the first meeting that you won't like in the future.
Delete