Monday, April 30, 2012

You and I

Dearest Iti,

You are and you will always remain my best only best friend, much much more than just a cousin. I knew you before I opened my eyes. Mum told me you used to talk to me when I was inside her, telling me all about yourself and asking me to be your friend for you had nobody else for a friend. They hated you for you were very beautiful, almost angelic. They envied you for all that you had and pitied you for that unformed hand , the only glitch in the most perfect painting. Miracle you might call it, I did turn out to love you from the very moment I saw you with my tiny eyes, much before I could love my mom and dad. I loved you more than everything and anybody else. You were just 2 when I was born and you swore to be my angel,to protect me from everyone. I loved you for you never let anybody touch me ..hurt me. You called me "Bakbak" for I never kept my mouth shut. The name stuck and see how everybody now calls me "Bakbak", except for you.
We were 4 and 6 then. Everyone called us the inseparables. We dressed the same for I wanted to be you, the perfect you. You let me steal the spotlight for I was demanding,I wanted everything. You let me pick my favourite first. You held my hands tight when we crossed the road. You fought with everyone who hurt me. I remember you hitting the bully Abhra, 10 years older than you. You jumped on him for calling me names. But you were no match to him, you came back home with a black eye and a smile of victory on your badly bruised and split lips. You taught him a lesson for abusing your "Bakbak". All I did was stand staring at you fighting and getting beaten up for me. I did not move to help you for I was a scared cat.
The news came as a jolt for both of us. I didn't want to leave you and go to Delhi with mum and dad. I wanted to be with you in our perfect world,just you and I. I begged mum to leave me with you and masi but that never happened. We had to part.
Guess time got the better of us. We grew up in our own ways and worlds. We grew more and more apart and more and more different.
I now didn't like the not-so-cool you. You turned out be an emotional fool,or so I thought. You kept pulling me back to those years,I didn't want it. So I stayed away from you,avoiding you. Excuses like "I have my exams","I am busy","I can't connect with you now","we are not the same little girls now" were frequent. You tried to rekindle my lost love but I didn't help. I didn't like you any more. I guess I had joined those haters who disliked you. I was no more your "Bakbak" for I stopped talking to you.
Its only now that I realise how much you meant to me,how I am me,just because you. I ignored, disrespected,hated you,said cruel things but you bore it all without a word,your perfect smile always on your face while I wronged you. Can't we go back to those perfect years,those "you and I" years? I want to tell you how much I always loved you,how much you meant to me,you were all I wanted to be. How I wish I could hear you calling me "Bakbak" just once. How I wish I had told you for once that I loved you.
Time had taken the better of us,for time took you away from me,from all of us ever.
Was it time to blame or was it me who changed? Am sorry,it was always me and not time...How I wish I could tell you that.

P.S.- I loved you and I always will